Pay Your Homage...Now Feed Me!!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Inggelish 101

Bercakap dengan Jin....*oops silap*..Bercakap dengan ahbeng lama2 agak membosankan. Oleh itu, hali ini wa mau tulis di dalam bahasa Inggelish. Di halap meleka yang amat pandai belcakap Inggelish boleh membelikan saya tunjuk ajar jikalau saya ada salah dan silap menulis...



Today I am fasting. I have fasting for almost sambilan hali...
I can tahan the drinking and eating, but I kenot tahan smoking. It is difficult. Yeaa..yeaa..I know smoking is no good. But what can I do. I am helpless. That is juzz me..But I have to be strongg...

When I hear the azan maghrib to open my fasting, I quickly puff-puff my marlboro light. Three or four puffs enough oleady to satisfy my smoke addict. Then I drink water. Water is veeeely refreshing. After that, I eat and then I eat summore until my stomak is full. Sometimes I feel like kenot breath becozz my stomak is too fullest.

Actually, I am a vely careful person with my physical appealance. My tall is 178cm. Last time in college, I weight about 65kg. I look vely delicious, especially when i go lollerblading wif friends or play stleet hockey. Gurls are clazy when they see my stomak becoz i have 6 pack. But now no more.

I only have one big pack :(

Gurls oso run away when they see me becos I look like a fat serial rapist.
Ever since then, I dont like to check my weight anymore. But just now, I was culious. I quickly check my body weight. And ohmygod! I weight 85 kg. That is no good becos before Lamadhan I weight only 82kg. Where did the extra 3kg comes from? I am confuse. I never cheat puasa. Me good-good boy wannn..

At first, I feel that I've been cheated. Maybe the mesin penimbang is wrong and lie to me again. But that cannot be becos I bought it in Ikea and seldom use it.

But ooops! Then I lemember..

Since past few days I have ploblem trying to shit. When I'm in the toilet, my shit dowan to come out. Hmmm...I wonder why.. Maybe my food lately not enough fibre. And i drink little water. So shit also become hard like stone. My fliends advice me better drink lotsa water and eat more sayurs and fruits or I'll get a sembelit. I think they are right. But can u imagine hard shit like that in your stomach can give you extra 3kg? I think not...

Then I lemember summore...

That day I eat at Pakeeza in PJ (moghul-cuisine restoren..Kerahi Beef with beriyani lice....) Yesterday I eat 2 bowl of lice with ayam masak gulai. Today I open my fasting at Bagan Seafood in Port Klang (Kam Heong Crabb 1kg....yummmmyy!!)... Tomolow I already plan with friend-friend to try Mcdonald eat-all-u-can-eat buffet for RM18 only.. This is no good. Fasting is supposed to reduce weight. But not likely is that the case for me.

Anyhow, my current weight explains why my seluar jeans feel like vely tight nowadays. I thought the washing machine has shrunk my seluar jeans again. Yes, the washing machine always like to shrink my clothings. That is why I dont like washing machines (and also mesin penimbang berat because always lie to me wann).

Apparently it is my waist that is the culprit! I feel sad. No prezzies in the world can cheer me up.
No wonder even my honda vtec also feels slow when I want to race that stupid riceboy in his GTI. Yes people. Believe it or not, your weight does effect your car performance too. The heavier your load, the more it'll consume your fuel, and the more slower your car will response when you want to do full-throttling. No amount of bling-bling stickers or big spoilers in the world can do your car hospowah any good. That's why they create this carbon fiber hood to...*nevermind that's another different story..* Just..dont question my words, I know what I'm talking about, okay?

So...

Dear lovely people,

Puasa is vely good for the body, mind and soul. But please dont be like me. You people must learn to eat little-little only when open your fasting. Or else, you will end up like me.

Even when no more puasa season and hali laya day comes, eat only when u hungry and stop eating before your stomak is fullest.

I have learn my lesson too late..

I was a fat ahbeng before.
I am a fatter ahbeng now.. :((

Now I want to go look for arms to cly on...
Dank you.


What you say people? Pliszz give your nice komen...
*hugs!*

Oh yes! If you like my stoly, do sign-up the SPCA petition or I will quit blogging becos I despise people who dont have any heart for animals that can't be eaten..

(Urghh!! Manyiak sakit pelut.. Wa lasa wa punya kam heong ketam sulah mau keluar wooo!!)

64 comments:

Miss YY said...

Hahahahha! You are very funny laaaa... BTW I have masalah berak too.

AdieJin said...

weiii..don't story about berak in blogs can or not?...u make people who berak oredy want to go berak again. Berak can berjangkit tau.From one berak to another berak. If everyone go berak then how ? not enough toilet oredy..Indah Water oso have to work twice as hard..Aiyah..please ah, don't story about berak anymore..

Leen Ash Burn said...

But Ah Beng aaahhh, cats ah if fat-fat one very cute worrr. Can pijit-pijit sampai kuor greenshit onee.

Anyway beautiful people, plis...beauty is the eye of the beholders okay? That's what people say, right? So, neway, no worries folks. You're still beautiful, no matter what they say, words can't bring you down, no, no, cause you're beautiful in every single way, yes words cant bring you down, oh no, so don't you bring me down today.

Wah sometimes I so wise one.

fade0 said...

apapasal lu punya kucing macam ada sakit itu macam? lu kasi minum beer ka? lanti itu SPCA mara wooo.

kepala_angin said...

i guess u should just stick with IAMS for berbuka then.

Wong Ah Beng said...

missYY.. Lu minum susu campur coke segelas, tambah panadol satu ketul..Wa gelenti hilang lu punya masalah taik sumbat..

adiejin.. But...belak is good. Belak membuang kotolan-kotolan di dalam montot..

leen.. Beautifully said...You had me..at..hello.....u had me at hello...

fade0..huh? mana satu kucing minum be3r?

kepalaangin..IAMS adalah makanan ruji.. Lain2 makanan pun mesti mau lasa maa..

A Babe Of Very Little Brain said...

*sat, tak habis gelak. chilakak kau ahbeng pepagi buta buat aku gelak gila*

on a more serious note (please observe how I write because I have flair in writing), weight is like money. Easy come, easy go. So don't you worry about the extra 3kg, just like cash, it will go soon.

*and this comes from someone who has major problems putting on weight*

and another thing, i would love to be just like you, standing tall at 178cm.

i'll be in new york, sashaying my cute butt and gliding down runways like a hot hot model i should be if i were 36cm taller than i am already now.

*geletek ahbeng's six tits*

Desparil said...

ah beng,

you're mistaken if you think that you're smoking la.. the cigarette is the one that's smoking.. you're just a sucker at the other end... hahaha..

last time ah, my ex also got problem to 'go'. her loctor gave some ubat for that.. very effective.. but too effective.. then she tried detox.. effective also.. you try detox la..

9 said...

siot la lu kucing, kasi gua pecah perut.

takpe, cuba practice lagi u punya inggerish supaya jd lebih powderful.

teek said...

ah beng,

you should bukak puasa with dates, fruits, water...not marlboro. Then, hopefully no more berak problem.

Vlad said...

Jimmy and Nong's Curry Crab at Taman Cahaya. You got to try that. I almost ate the plate too.

Don't worry there's always bigger than you. I am King Kong after all.

agus said...

Uncle, you very tall eh. Cukup tinggi. Tapi lu punya celita kasi lu saham manyiak lendah. Not only are you a sucker, you are full of shit. And lagi ah, lalam medikal, lu punya BMI sula lalam tahap overweight. Tapi lu jangan lisau, kalau lu jumpa sapa sapa pun, meleka akan kata lu semakin sihat. Lu punya hati pun ada baik. Saya tau itu akan buat lu happy munya. Lu tengok saya, happy seumur hidup. Talak kira apa belat la...slim ka, overweight ka, obese ka...

Tapi kalau lu mau lidius weight, saya ingat lepas laya balu ada posibel. Sikalang makan time.

Wong Ah Beng said...

babe.. yes, u have the writing flair...*Kow towwwww 3x*.

desparil.. Lu suluh your ex minum TEH OLANG KAMPUNG.. Wa gelenti pelut dia pecah kaw-kaww punyaa.... Teh olang kampung..wa jamin keberkesanan!!

9... Wa cuma belusaha untuk menjadi lebih terbaik.. Lu olang semua inggelishh powah-powah maaahh, apa maciam wa mau lawan sama lu olang blog di dalam bahasa olang puteh itu...

teek...Yeaa...betull..mungkin sebab itulah wa punya taik manyak sangkut...Montot sumbat maaahh!!

vlad.. is it kam heong or not? I only eat kamheong dishes for craps...i mean crabs..

agus..Wa saham sulah lama jatuhh laa weyy.. talak laku lagi kasik flee pun olang tamau..

stone said...

ah beng ahhhh... u don't tahan-tahan makan meh. nosogood wannn. better u go eksesais laaa. like i said ealier, those heavy pelastik beg at the pasar lamadhan wannn can help u build strong muzzle and otot. don't play2 zoom zoom onli. cuba zoom zoom guna kaki pulakkkk...gelenti lu bole jadi itu macam NBA supesetar

Desparil said...

ah beng,

like that ah? how come u don't take teh orang kampung? nevermind la.. my ex is full of shit anyway..

Wong Ah Beng said...

stonerr...wa talak tahan-tahan makan.. pelut wa adalah king..!

desparel wohohohoho..mah flen, u sound bitter...Apa jadik lu sama lu punya ex? Come stoly sini kasik lakan2 dengar...

Angel Eyes said...

ah beng,
so bila lu mau letak lu punye gambar eh?mesti sumua tarak sabar mau tengok lu punye real face lorrr...

Wong Ah Beng said...

angel eyee..haiyaah moyy.. ini laa lupa sebenar wa... talak cukup comel mehh??

Meow...chok chok chok...meow!

Inn said...

the guy i like is only 160cm and weighs 85kg okay. never tot i'd like a chubby fella before. and i know 1 HUGE pack very well. but like the wise ms leen said, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. i'm sure u're as adorable as ur cat :)

A Babe Of Very Little Brain said...

ahbeng - i think you got furballs up your you know where. u cannot understand izzit what sheryl wanted izzit? she wanted to see the picture of the owner of the cat!! the cat's picture whatfor!!! berak pun merata ...

Murni M. said...

ah beng, wa punya kucing kalau ada masalah pencernaan dia makan rumput kasi keluar furballs.. hehe.... pasal u punya 6-pack yang sudah jadi 1 pack.. takpe.. bersyukurlaa u masih ade perut. Or you could always implement your social formulae;) i agree sama leen juga, beauty is in the eye of the beholder:)

Sports Freak said...

Ah Beng ah.. Firstly, you punya Ingellinsh I bagi passing grade.. 55% oklah tu..

Secondly, Ah Beng, you Ah Beng Muslim ka? Itu macam mau dapat Ah Lian yang sedia untuk "convert"lah. Talak susah ka cari Ah Lian yang mau convert?

Finally, kalau you tak boleh berak yo jangan force... nanti keluar itu tali perutloh... nanti lagi manyak susah..

kepala_angin said...

ah beng, then u will need to find an Ah Lian ur size la. else very kesian the Ah Lian - kena penyek.

madnessinvain said...

You sudah jumpa vet, kasi inject buang kuman and cacing belum?

Saya mau angkat twinkle pergi ini hujung bulan ooo. Sebelum raya.

Desparil said...

ah beng,

itu story ah... manyak sedih punya.. boleh lawan titanic wor.. mungkin satu hari nanti.. saya kasi celita sama lu..

Wong Ah Beng said...

inn dank you...you're a sweetie pie :)

babe.. and whatabout u bebeh? Do u want to see the picture of the owner of the cat? And please.. You dont have to be rude to the cat laa..Potty trained ok!

murni.. alas, my social formulae only works for women..

Sportfreaks.. WaAAaa dank you dank you janji wa lulus.

kepala angin.. Ah Lian carik itu ah Leen laa..

madnessinvain.. vet...sudah laa.. Itu twinkle apa species hor?

desparil...wohohor. Lilex blader..kuntum bukan sebunga.. dia tamau sama lu, lu carik lain maaahh.. Apahat mau pening2 pikir lagi. Lu lagi lelaki tidak perlu calik polumpuan janji wallet tebal polumpuan semua calik lu maa.

Angel Eyes said...

lu memang manyak cute punye kucing.. wa pun manyak suka laa.. tapi kan wa mau sangat tgk lupa sebenar lu laa... aiyaa...

Leen Ash Burn said...

Ah beng ah, mebbe lu munye pangsai plobel boley ubat ah, lu pigi itu lokter di kelinik. sana ah, dia ada ubat bagis umbat lu munyai pangsai-hole one...bagi lu lekas sikit pangsai. lu try lorrr

A Babe Of Very Little Brain said...

johnny wong ah beng, unfortunately i am more inclined towards the six tits on your cat than the owner of the cat.

*gomoi the 6 tits* do you consider this as rude?

anisism said...

woah. i is amazing by the flair of ur english. i doesn't thinking that a cats can wrote very good english. but i hoping u doesn't be sad too much oredy, becos if u is sad, the more shit cannot comes out. so u better be happy and stay contented with whatever weight u is. then the shit can come out.

*pergh* i'm amazed by my flair oso.

adekmanis said...

Bukan dah kena penyet dah ke? ehehehehe

raya ni datang la umah aku. buleh jumpa siti ibarjonet. aku nak datang umah ko, tak kira la ko bagi ke tak. nak jumpa lord tiger gun gun khor teck tuan. sila sediakan kuih samperit tuk aku eh.

ni jemputan ikhlas lagi bermakna nih hehe.

Wong Ah Beng said...

Angel Eyes... haiyaa moyy..apa pasat? lupa wa sebenar adalah tiada cute pun. Sebab itu talak mau tampal gambar sebenar. Tambahan pula, how u look does not matter. Its your action and your contribution to society that will define your true being. Haiyahhh nantilah nantilah..! Nanti wa pegi Estee Lauder pegi mekap mekap dulu macam lu balu posing gambar..

AHhhh Leeen aa.. Ploblem montot sumbat telah selesai. (minum lah orange juice segelas + milk 2 gelas..Gelenti selesai masalah)

Anisism...Selepas berjaya membuang poop dengan banyaknya sebentar tadi, Wa telah timbang balik belat badan.. Sulah turun jadik 82kg. Ini bermakna 3kg untuk 3 hali punya poop simpanan = satu hali simpan 1 kg poop woo :o

Babe..Kucing mempunyai pelasaan harga dili juga..Jikalau wa gomoi2 lu punya tits itu, lu takkan anggap wa rude meh? Renung dan fikirkanlah...

Chi gadis maniss....Waa harharh.. Kuih samperit apa kuih tuh? bunyi selupa bunyi sambelit jugak..

shay said...

hahaha veli funny la u ankel ahbeng..berak also want story story..
when i first met my hubby 5 years ago his weight was 65kg..now after 5 years already 85kg same like you lorrr..but i still lurveee him to bits..dont worry about being fat...
fat guys are huggable *nyum nyum*
no need to buy vono oledi..

sunrise in the west said...

Haiya Ah Beng.. lu punya celita bagi wa guling-guling sakit pelut dalam ketawa dalam simpati maa... Wa nasihat lu manyak2 hati-hati sebelum pegi itu toilet... 3 kilo kotolon boleh jadi letupan manyak kuat maaaa...

mobilemom said...

Ah beng,

Been reading your blogs lately. You really put a smile on someone's face pagi pagi buta. Orang ingat aku ni gila gelak sorang sorang.

.MM

A Babe Of Very Little Brain said...

*sedang merenung dan berfikir, sebagaimana yang dicadangkan oleh wong ah beng*

cantik jugak muka aku ni, tak payah nak estee lauder.

Wong Ah Beng said...

shay..wallauweyy..your hubby evely year naik 5kg...Imagine 10 year from now... hukhuk

need..ya betul..manyiak saikit woo wasa itu meletup, kepala ada pening2 jua.

mobilemom..Keep on reading.. dont forget to sign the petition yah!

Babe...Audacious... Me speechless..

Lollies said...

Ohhh don't we girls love cats with one big pack so that the six tits lagi telang dan nyata

Wong Ah Beng said...

lollies.. Me! me!

Leen Ash Burn said...

Lord Tiger Gun Gun,

Uncle ah, saya ada satu pesoalan. I think deeply one. I want to ask yew ah, how kam wor Ah Ma cat ah (name: Jose Morientes @ Mohd Huzier Morientes Abdulla) very shy-shy cat one. (Of kos lah he shy-shy cat, he cat mah, not dog). Everytaim ah-der pee-pewl kam to the haus ah, he shake-shake and hide under bed laaa, inside hole laaa, inside baldi laaa. Very susah wan to cari one. Also ah, now raya taim ah, my ah-der sister oso wan to kam bek to JB one. That day Jose Morientes saw sister already cry-cry scared. So how ah? Please...I want everybody to love everybody, lovely people! Nah, cats too okay! Yipee.

Wong Ah Beng said...

Ahh Leen.. Most plobebly your cat got bad experience with people in the past. Her heart was bloken.. Yes..She must be hurt pretty bad. So hurtful that till now, she not ready to meet people. U go tell her that she must be strong..Time will heal, ok sweetie?

(haiyoo manyiak pekat lu punya lidahh..! So hard to understand what u say laaa.. Never go school aa u?
Go learn ploper english laa youu..)

A Babe Of Very Little Brain said...

johnny wongAhBeng, the cat got your tongue? or was it the radiance of my natural beauty sans cosmetics simply astounds you?

Leen Ash Burn said...

Aiyerrr Lengchaii,

I school Foon Yew 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 Plimerli Skool mahh. (NO Foon Yew 4, sei lorrr, I dowan to die one. Also 8 good number, I bekams Leach, leach one). That's why lar I speak so teak.

Also ahhh,

Uncker aah! Jose Morientes is a male cat leyyy. Why yew say she Lengloi cat! Yew confius with Twinkle, MiV's pussy(Cat) ijjit?

But I go home I tell him lor. He kenot sad, sad one. Everybody is beautiful in his own way okay folks. He is a sweetie neway.

Wong Ah Beng said...

babe.. Riteeee...
(You're a transience beauty and your epitome is the combined perfection of form and charm....)
Riteee...

Ahh LEeenn... Wa manyiak soli wa sulah confuse I tot your cat lengloi cat.. But anyway aa, my previous answer oso can apply to him..His heart got hurt.. Vely sad so he dont trust anyone yet..

anisism said...

ah beng and leen aah, samtaims wi hef tu anderstenn dad it is veri diffikelt tu gedd ove bett ekspirien antil wi not raydy tu mit niew pipel. dazen metter if samwan stop yu tu tell yu veri biutiful and wanna meri yu. if wi sad, then wi sad lorr.......so lets go poop sammore. yippie.

u veli lovely la leen. *grin*

Wong Ah Beng said...

Anisism..oh my..oh my..apa bahasa ko pakai ni?

torqxic inc. said...

aiyoomaaa mr wongahbeng!
manyak teruk la lu, kisah lu sulit untuk melepaskan hajat pun lu pun lagi mau cerita kepada publik kah? haiyaaa...
lu kelaka laa ahbeng, kelaka tahap kucing parsi...
ehh ahbeng aaa gua ader satu jalan mau kasi itu kesulitan untuk melepaskan hajat setel punye....
gua pun selupa lu jugak aaa ahbeng, dulu gua hensem woo, instructor lagi woo hali2 aaa gua pergi joging and training woo...sikalang aaa gua ingat cermin pun tamau tengok gua, apa lagi gua mau tengok cermin!! hahahah!!
tetapi gua tadak kisah punyer, sebab gua dah kawin sama satu amoi paling chun dalam duniya, lagi sulah dapat anak anak yg chomel2 lagi hensem & jelita lagi maa, latest editian mau mari end year jugak.
aiyaa apa plak gua menarut byk2 ni...gua mau cakap sikalang gua sulah telan itu nonaroguy punye jamu/ makjun apalumaupanggillah...
fuuuhhh!! wa cakap luu aaa, satu hari gua sudah kena pitstop dekat opis amoi yg gua kahwini, sebab tarak tahan wooo. power wa cakap luu ahpek erkkk ahbeng! sampai sikalang wa masih telan lagi itu nonaroguy & sampai sikalang aa satu opis tutp idung kalau gua lalu....hamsap punyer olang! lagi satu best aaa boss pun tarak cari gua kalau gua tarak kat tempat gua, sebab sendiri mau tau maaa gua mesti ader dalam bilik kechik maaa!

last but not least ahbeng, lu lawak aaa ahbeng...gua tabik spring laa sama lu....sekarang jugak gua tabik spring.....walaupun gua sudah raser macam mau 'toot-toot' lagi sebab tadi malam pun sudah telan lagi itu nonaroguy....

ok aaa ahbeng! gua chow dulu!
FAT RULESS!!! huakhuakhuak~!

Wong Ah Beng said...

torqxic..Wallauweeyy.. Lu puji2 wa punya muntut sulah ada kembang jugak...belak pun senangg swooooshhhh laju woo..!

Sunflora said...

Ah Beng ah wah so many comments wan. Now shy to comment wan.

Weh have you tried ah suppository ah to help u belak? Hehehehehe itu lubang ahhh kasi tarok sabun la, kasi licin lor. Macam itu engine oil mah, pelincir. Susah susah WD40 osso can, lu boy lacer sure ade WD40 bukan.

:)

Wong Ah Beng said...

SunFlora...
Begitu bernas cadangan lu..
Tetapi apa kata wa cuba minum engine oil fully sintetik? Wa lasa sure lagi belkesan...

shay said...

ahbeng,
update laaa thambi...opss apek...
masey berak talak kuluar lagi ka?

Wong Ah Beng said...

Shayninaa...dort..
Belum cukup 100 laa..malas update :D

atiz said...

haiya..mau tungu selatut balu lu mau updet..lu kasik bukak sama itu spammers la..sikijap aja bole sampai selatut komen

Wong Ah Beng said...

atiz... itu tektik keji..tidak bagus..

Anonymous said...

Beng ahhh...
Lu banyak kelakar wooo..Wa duduk sorang2 teringat lu punya blog pun Wa boleh ketawa. Orang pun ingat Wa sudah gila wooo...

chics said...

hahahaha..very funny ok..hahahahha
u make me choke sommore aiyahhhh

Wong Ah Beng said...

anonymous.. ada kemungkinan lu memang giler.. cuma olang gila ketawa solang-solang woo..

chics..
u choke-choke tengah makan eh? not puasa u?

kepala_angin said...

wei apeq, update la.

Wong Ah Beng said...

nanti laa...tunggu satu lagi komen kasik cukup 60 :D

A Babe Of Very Little Brain said...

ini sudah cukup anam puloh ka bolom?

Desparil said...

ahbeng,

apa itu makna nombor 60? ada ong ka itu nombor?

Ely said...

ur english velly good one!

Wong Ah Beng said...

babe..haa nanti wa kila..

desparil..itu nombor beli ekor boleh menang punya..

ely..dank you..my inggelish powahh i know..

karamona said...

another blog that make me laugh like mad.....*clap clap*


Kiss my asss!!